Thursday, September 22, 2016

A post from the bottom of my sorrow

The last few months have been tough, a series of events have marked me with one of the strongest pains my soul has felt, probably ever. All of these events were one after the other, and just like that, I felt like my whole world was collapsing and I was completely losing my north.
I couldn't think straight, I felt lost and was being really hard on myself, and all of what I thought were my strengths was now playing against me. How could I not come out of it, how could I be putting up with all this crazy going around me and letting it destroy me the way it was doing.
It was hard to understand, I wasn't only dealing with grief, anger, anxiety and life itself going all crazy on me, but I also was dealing with the darkest manipulation of my own mind.

I mean, I live for this, my journey is based on telling people that it is going to be ok, that whatever comes your way happens for a reason and that you are strong enough to deal with it, if it was put in your life it´s because you are one of God's stronger soldiers and you can handle it, but, I not only couldn't, I just didn't want to, my life was being shaken and I couldn't handle it, all my rituals/ways/practices on how to deal with difficult times were failing, one after  another, and as life kept throwing more and more my way I was sinking deeper and deeper...

So, what happened next? I let go, I stopped fighting it, I let myself sink and hit bottom, I let the situation burn and destroy me until my last tear, and when I felt the last bit of myself was crushed and there was nothing left, almost like magic I was there. My mind is now slowly waking up from the nightmare that the last few months have been and even if every day I'm still having very difficult moments - madness and sadness don't go away from one day to the other- I feel a bit more like me each day.


This got me thinking, do we sometimes need to burn and so we can rise again? Is good to accept that sometimes nothing shines even on the brighter of days and to learn that just the act of accepting and embracing pain is the start of a healing journey...

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