This might come to a surprise to many of you, as I'm pro LOVE WHO YOU ARE (every bit of it), but when I learned to love myself deeply and unconditionally I didn't realise what I was getting myself into, this blind love I had for me wasn't letting me see that I was slowly losing all the things I worked so hard for, and was doing really hateful things to my body. I know, You might be thinking, "what has got into the head of this little crazy lady?" So, let me explain.
When I was 20, a series of things happened in my life that made me say "I'm not only going to be the most confident I can be, but I will love myself no matter what". Years went by, and they have been the most amazing reassuring years of my life, but hiding underneath all of those awesome years was a subtle intruder that was slowly making me my own enemy. In the 11 years since that day, I was so concentrated on loving and living that I forgot to look after my body, that temple that had cost me endless hours of hard work, 15 surgeries and a vast amount of pain to build, was becoming sand castle that was getting destroy with every wave of not caring from my part. When I was 20 I stopped completely with my physiotherapy, it went from a daily regimen to a sporadic thing I did after surgery for a month or so. With this also came the weight gain and poor food choices, I honestly could have eaten half a big pizza for lunch, Big packet of crisps (chips), double chocolate cupcake with cream and a bottle of coke to top it up as a snack in the afternoon and then have burger with chips (fries) and a big soda for dinner. The next morning I would forget all about breakfast and go until 4 pm only drinking tea and eating chocolate cookies because I was too busy to eat, but then when I did, no light nutritious things pop into my mind or my plate. Please don't get me wrong, this is not a post with me complaining about my poor choices in food or how overweight my friends kept on telling me I was and me responding "I'm perfect the way I am, I love myself and do not to be skinny to prove it", this post is about me mainly using a wheelchair now because my bones and spine are not strong enough to support my (over) weight without sending a shooting pain down my spine every twenty steps, this post is about how I can not dance in a night out without having to deal with that fact that next morning I can't walk to bathroom, this post about me destroying a masterpiece that took my mom years to build.
It's been two years since the last time my doctor told me that my ideal weight is 99lbs (45kg), and just two weeks ago I realised I was 136lbs (62kg) just like last time he weighed me. Two years had gone by with me not even trying to do something about it. So, enough was enough, two weeks ago, after hitting bottom (my pains had become unbearable) I have now started a treatment to balance my vitamin and mineral levels, I'm taking the right supplements to fit the reality of my diffable body and to help it regenerate, and filling my plate only with food that will contribute to my well-being.
Now I have learned that is not enough to love myself, I have to not hate my body with my decisions. Sometimes love is sooo blind and unconditional that will keep you away from reality and make you believe everything is all right when it really isn't. So, from now on, I want lots of love, very REALISTIC love. I want to be able to look my mother in the eye and say to her "Look I'm maintaining your masterpiece, and I'm bettering it." "All of those years, tears, effort and money you expend on me were well worth it, thank you, mom!". I also want long walks back into my life, I want party nights to be a great memory the next day, I want to feel light in body and soul, and not thinking I'm not doing enough.