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It's ok

A week ago I was walking around and guess what? Yup I fell pretty bad, it was one those stumbles that I couldn't make part of the dance, bent my knee more than I could ever imagine and fractured my femur. When this happened my mom and Mike were there with me but there was NOTHING they could have done to prevent the fall, I was with my leg touching my back in the wink of an eye.  I was rushed to the ER and minutes later I was told I needed surgery. In that second my mind swap into #KeepStrong mood, I felt I had to put my hard core on and just deal with it. That worked fine. I spend two nights in hospital before I got to surgery,  everything went well and I was out ready to go through my ritual of the feelings after every surgery "I'm fine, I'm out and ready to roll (literally)" Visits came and went, lots of "Get well" messages gave me my dose of energy and inspiration, but something was different this time.... I couldn't work out what until my last day in the clinic, I started crying uncontrollably, it broke my heart to have put my mom and Mike through this, I felt a deep pain in my soul and for the first time in long long time I was scared, of everything, for everyone that was involved with my life. How is my future going to be? I mean, I know after the surgery, I will be with my leg immobilised for a couple of months, then physio and then walking again, but my questioning was much deeper than that, it was my physical future, am I going to break bones more often? Am I going to lose my ability to walk? When is this going to start? or is this already happening? All of this rain of thoughts started the day before yesterday, and brought some more with them every time. My head and heart have been a roller coaster of feelings. I guess the only way to find out is waiting, but in the meanwhile I have taken action and followed the advice of my doctor who said, that if I didn't lose weight now I probably won't be walking in ten years (my joints are suffering to much), this is a challenge accepted. My weight IS going to drop because this is something I CAN take action on and not wonder about what or how is going to happen. The future will bring what ever was meant to be.This has also taught me that it is more than fine to break down every once in awhile, it is ok not be the strong girl 24/7 because life is there to take joy from both the light and the dark moments. And maybe learn a little from both as well. 

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